At night, I used to lie awake. Fearful.
People say there are worse things to deal with, but money is a deal breaker. Its claws firmly immersed in your belly, daring you, taunting you, setting a burning fire deep inside.
At night, those claws were in me deep. Sleep was for those with money. Slumber was for those who didn’t have to worry how they were going to pay their mortgage the next month.
My head was on the pillow, but it wouldn’t stay still.
What if we tried…? No, that won’t work. How about instead of this, we try…? No, not going to work either. Endless game of cat and mouse running through my head. Except I’m uncomfortable, because I’m the mouse, you see. And the cat, oh that cat, Cheshire in nature, dangling me from its paw.
At night, I felt the pressure, I felt the walls closing in.
Money, so ingrained, so tightly bound to one’s existence. Is this what’s it’s going to be like? This nauseous cycle of repetition? Call the bank, try again. Call the bank, try again.
At night, I struggled to keep it together. By day I was controlled, cool, calm, and collected. But under the moonlight the strains were there, etched in my face, like some horrible rendering of Picasso.
I thought I would break, I thought this house is going to break me right down the middle, spilling me and my shame at being forced to sell it, for all the world to see.
But like a butterfly, I shed my cocoon.
The house with four walls and a roof was…just that. In the end, the sleepless nights gave way to a new beginning. The “Sold” sign forged a new path, one without thrashed blankets left in its wake.
I stood at the precipice, but I didn’t jump.
At night, my cheek lays against the cool pillow.
And I sleep.
Beautiful post Mackenzie! I think of us has our own “house” that can keep us awake at night.
Thanks Tonya! Yes, I agree with you; we all have our own “house” to deal with at times.
Really enjoyed it. Often times my mind races at night too. So much to consider, so little time! It’s tough to turn on/off!
Thank you so much!
Yes, it’s tough to turn your brain off sometimes, especially at night.
It sounds like you made the right choice lady! Surprisingly, I haven’t had too many sleepless nights over finances but I have lost one too many night’s sleep over bad relationships. Thank you for sharing this piece.
Thanks GMD 🙂
Yes, it was indeed a difficult decision, and that time in my life was hard. But I am stronger for it!
When anyone has a situation they feel they have some form of loss of control it can consume their life. Where there seems to be no end in sight, no one with open arms and answers and no way out. Life can be tough and that’s why it’s important to take a step back sometimes to really think about what we value. Money is important but at what cost? Great post.
Thanks CBB!
It was definitely consuming, like you said. I am thankful that we were able to sell the house and come out the other side, a stronger couple. It was a trying time in our lives, to say the least.
This post reminds me of the song insomnia by faithless. Incidentally I didn’t get to sleep until 3am last night and then my son woke me up crying at 4:30 😦
I haven’t heard of that song, but I’ll check it out!
Great post Mackenzie! I can all too well relate as those sleepless nights are never fun, especially when money induced.
Thank you John, I appreciate it!
Yes, those sleepless nights were awful; I don’t miss that at all…
Beautifully written! I sometimes get insomnia worrying about finance stuff, as well, but overall I just have to remind myself that they’re “just” finances and that I just have to let go of the anxiety/emotional attachment of it. It sounds like you came to the same realization when you realized the house was just that – just a physical entity.
Thanks Anna!
Yes, financial stress is the worst! No matter how hard you try sometimes, you just can’t stop thinking about it.
Beautiful post!
Thank you Holly!
You’re an excellent writer! If you aren’t already writing books, you definitely should be 🙂
I use to lie awake at night worrying about our finances too. Actually the decision to suddenly sell our house 3 years ago came to me while I was suppose to be sleeping. I got up one morning and said to my husband “we need to get out of here while we can”. We had only been in our brand new dream home for 4 years but money was tight. We listed our home 2 days later and sold it 8 days later for full price. I was so relieved and do not even miss it.
Awww, thank you! You made my day, really and truly 🙂
It’s amazing to me how much mortgages and homeownership weigh heavily on the conscience. I’m glad that you were able to sell your home and move on.
You’re an amazing writer, Mackenzie! Such a beautiful post and one we can all relate to whether it’s our finances, relationships or something else. Sleepless nights and a strong facade to the world – been there, done that and survived it too. 🙂
Thank you Shannon, that really means a lot to me 🙂
The sleepless nights were the worst, truly. That was a difficult time to be sure, and one I’d rather not relive.
Great writing. I’ve had my share of sleepless nights over finances and work mainly. I certainly cherish the good nights of sleep.
Thanks Kim!
Money can be so stressful, ugh don’t miss the sleepless nights for sure…
so so glad you are sleeping now, Mackenzie. It was a hard thing to let go of, and you did. I’m proud of you.
Thank you Kathleen; that means a lot to me 🙂
Very nice. I’ve been having a lot of sleepless nights lately. As soon as I wake up, at 3am or 4am or 5am, my mind is instantly racing and thinking and worrying. It’s rough, and I think I need to find a way to let go of some of these worries. -cf
Worrying is a hard thing to let go of; I hope you find a way to get some sleep 😦
How do you get all the deep thoughts at night? Of course, mine are deep, too: “If Dale Earnhardt wins the last three races of the NASCAR season and is 40 points out of the championship, do you think he’d still win?” Big thoughts like that.
Ah Joe, your comments kill me, they really do 😉
[…] is an art few explore, but Mackenzie at The Random Path both tackles the challenge and succeeds in At Night. Ever stayed up worrying about your bills? This story is for […]