You know the ones, the ones that talk and whisper: No one likes to mention the “D” word in mixed company. (Shhhhh…..) No one wants to admit it’s their friend getting a divorce. (Gasp!) Who are these people? Who are these people that look down at their friends going through one of the hardest things in their life and refuse to offer support?
You’d be hard pressed to find someone who gets married with the intention of “Well if doesn’t work out, I know a good divorce lawyer.” You want the marriage to work, but sometimes it doesn’t. A girlfriend of mine is going through this situation right now. Friends that she has known for years, have suddenly become insensitive. They have become judgemental. They have abandoned her.
With the exception of myself and a few others, these so-called friends have taken off for the hills. But of course they didn’t just skulk away. They had to leave with some parting shots said over the shoulder. “You should have tried harder”. “You should have been more sensitive”. “You have a child. How could you tear your family apart”? These are just some of the comments these friends said as they hit the highway. With friends like these, who needs enemies, right?
You know who your true friends are when you go through a monumental life change such as divorce. People pick sides, and they don’t always pick yours. For anyone going through such a difficult time, they need all the support they can get. Not a haughty attitude of superiority, of condemnation, and of overt criticism. It makes me sick to think that not only is my friend mourning the death of her marriage, she has to mourn the loss of several friendships as well. Why? Because people are so consumed with what they think is right and that their opinion somehow carries weight, never mind who it hurts in the process.
All I can do is be there for my friend. Be there for her in ways that others refused. Because she is my friend. She is like my sister. And whatever she goes through, I will be there. Because that’s what FRIENDS do.
Oh my this hit home! I’m going through a divorce right now and this has happened to me. All my ‘friends’ jumped ship! I am a horrible person in their minds. I left my kids (2 over 14), but I did it because I have respect for their father! I can’t afford to live in the house without taking him to the cleaners and I refuse to uproot my kids at this time in their life! Many have said I left my kids…NO! I left my husband. I wish it could be different.
All of ‘our’ friends seemed to have chosen their side (his). But never once has any one of them called to check on me or to get my side of the story. So…whatever! I have maintained 3 great friends in this and and working on making new ones! Those others were never really friends anyway I guess. Their loss! Not mine! I don’t care for fake people anyway!
Thank you for sticking by your friend! I’m sure she is so very grateful.
Divorces are hard enough and to have to lose people you thought were your friends is really difficult. Hang in there and know that your TRUE friends will always stick by you!
I so admire your honesty in writing on this subject. Divorce is pain, it is racked with so many feelings of loss, of future, of failure, etc. Having walked that path and lost friends and heard many snide comments I understand. I remember when my daughter got married and told me she never wanted to end up like me…divorced. I might as well have been stabbed. All the pain came flooding back, the memories, the sense of not being like others. It truly hurt. Flash forward 9 1/2 years later and now she is divorced. Her husband found another woman and left and now she deals with loss on so many levels. For sure one of her losses will never be my love nor commitment to her.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this…truly. I wish you and your daughter nothing but the best.
This hits home for me too. After going through a divorce, my sister took my ex-wife’s side. I’ve since remarried and am happily married. My sister has moved out of state, and whenever she comes in town, she contacts my ex to see my children. It’s frustrating too that her and my ex would gossip in front of my kids saying that I never gave any money towards them. Which is a lie. Then my sister would go around telling other family members about what she heard from my ex as if it were gospel. My kids would come back telling me this as well as my other family members. Until I showed them checks and bank statements, they started to believe it. It’s disgusting that I had to show my 4 and 7 year olds checks that I wrote to their mother because their mother told them and others lies. Over the years, my ex and I have become a more cohesive parenting team, and work together for the sake of raising our kids. After 9 years, I’ve still not talked to my sister, and I don’t miss her either. It’s quite interesting how she has full judgment of me and my relationship with all of her faulty marriages and relationships. I’ve never judged her with her 5 kids from 4 different fathers. She made some bad judgment calls with the men she picked, but I never once sided with the men. She’s my blood. I guess blood means something to me, but obviously not to her.
Wow, what a story! Thank you so much for sharing your story. Families unfortunately, don’t always offer support. It happens more often than one would think.
I feel like I live at your house but I am a different gender. Unfortunately, this entire lying mess has left a last mark on my children. They are adults but they, despite proof, want to believe the lies. What can one do except leave it to God. I have present my proof and still….
People can be so insensitive – divorce is a hard time for everyone involved and it’s so horrible to make the person (people) feel worse than they already do. It takes two to make, and disassemble, a relationship! It’s good that your friend has you.
Divorce is such a tragic circumstance and it is sad that more people don’t realize that and just simply be there for their friends.