When I was in the throes of my debt, I hid. I hid my emotions, thoughts and feelings beneath a mask. A mask that hurt to wear, but I put it on every day.
Sure, the circles under my eyes made my mask grotesque. And the furrowed lines in my brow, made my mask crack. But the smile was in place.
A smile that I didn’t recognize.
A pasted-on joker’s smile. “Sure, everything is fine”, my smile said. “Sure, I have my finances in control”, my smile said.
But my smile lied.
My face contorted.
When I felt there were no eyes upon my mask, I took it off. It was heavy. And it hurt my face. Bone weary, and this masquerade upon my person, made my head ache, and my jaw tighten.
And then someone would look my way, and I would quickly slip the mask back on. “Everything is under control”, I would say. “I can handle this”.
My smile continued to lie.
Pretty soon, the unthinkable happened.
I couldn’t take the mask off. What was happening? I pulled and pulled, but the damn thing would not budge. I began to cry. This isn’t how I wanted to live my life, frozen behind a faΓ§ade.
But that was how I was living my life, and I was ashamed.
I begged and pleaded with myself. I can’t continue to go down this path. This mask hurts, and I am just… tired.
Spent, and exhausted, I knew that I had an original smile hidden somewhere beneath my layers. Somewhere beneath my skin, lay my happiness.
I dug deep, I scratched my surface, and I tore off my mask.
I lay myself bare, and vowed to never wear this, this mask of debt again.
I crushed that mask beneath my feet, and I smiled in the mirror. A real smile. And this time, I recognized that smile. I recognized the curvature of my lips, the upturn of the corners.
I recognize this smile.
That’s a pretty emotional post about debt. I think a lot of people are wearing that same mask, and a lot are still trying to pull it off. I think we all just want to be authentic…or maybe that’s just to scary for some people? I’m glad we see the real you!
Yeah, debt is a hard thing to grapple with. I wish I was debt-free and can’t wait for the day when I am.
Thanks Tonya π
Almost brought me to tears, girl! That friendly, fake smile, just screaming “I’m OK, really” (but not). I wear that mask occasionally. Sometimes that mask has consumed me. It’s good to free of it and feel authentic.
Aw, thanks Melanie! I totally get it about the mask being all consuming. I hate debt and wish I didn’t have it.
Wow! I’m learning more and more that debt is about so much besides money, and you have beautifully conveyed that point in this post. I’m glad that you’re smiling your authentic smile. And I’m glad that we can all do the same – even if we’re still in debt. We can get real as we work towards getting our finances in order, which is in itself is a weight lifted – something to smile about : )
Thank you so much π
Admitting I had the debt was hard, but I am plugging away at it, dollar by dollar. Getting finances in order, is so important!
Love this post – hits so close to home! It really is all a ruse, isn’t it? Trying to portray something that one is not, and over time even you yourself can’t take it off. I’m glad you have your smile back – the genuine and real smile. It definitely feels lighter!
Thank you Anna. Yes, debt is a terrible mask to wear, and the feeling that you are in “hiding”.
As always, Mackenzie – beautifully written. It always hurts and sometimes angers me when I see how debt tricks people and lures them in. They are seduced by all the things they can have and experience if they just say yes to debt. And what’s so wrong with debt anyway? Everyone has it. It’s no big deal. Until one day it is a big deal and they slip that mask in place. I’m so glad you broke that mask and let your real smile and self return. Every day you move forward to a better place and that is something to truly smile about!
Thank you Shannon.
“Every day you move forward to a better place and that is something to truly smile about!” I love what you said here Shannon; I will take it to heart π
Mackenzie, you really have a gift for putting emotion into words. I often felt, and sometimes still feel, this way about our debt, but getting real certainly did and does help. Wonderful post, my friend!
Thank you so much, Laurie. I appreciate your kind words π
[…] from The Random Path. She does an amazing job capturing the emotions behind debt in her post, A Smile I Don’t Recognize. I have never meet Mackenzie, but if I do get the chance to meet her, I know her smile will be […]
We’ll smile and laugh and play. Soon. For real.
Thank you Kathleen π XO